Adjusting To Being Parents
I've been wanting to write down all the thoughts I've been having lately about how our lives have changed since bringing Lucy into this world.
So much has changed since bringing sweet Lucy into our lives; mostly good, but some difficult. I'll start with the difficult, the changes that have been a little harder for me to adjust to, and move to the happy stuff.
I have experienced a whole new level of exhaustion. The first few months, especially the first couple weeks, were rough in the sleep department. You always hear new moms tell you about the sleep deprivation and everything, but it's just not something you can understand until you experience it. It's just like this weird thing you just have to do. Like, you have to wake up to feed your crying baby. And the nights are long, but looking back, it seems like it didn't last forever. Once she was a month old, she was waking up every three hours on the dot, and grunting and moaning in between that. I never thought I would make it through those nights, haha. Anyway, we started to "sleep train" Lucy around 3 months old, which made for a rough couple days, but slowly got better. But some nights, when I didn't get much sleep, that is when the difficult times came. The next day, after a night of not much sleep, I get a little crazy, honestly. I think I suffer from "sleep deprivation induced post partum depression and anxiety", haha! There's days where I cry I'm so tired, or worry about every little thing, or wake up five times a night to check on Lucy to make sure she is breathing, or be short with Jesse because I'm just, I don't know, angry. Days of pure exhaustion are hard ones for me. I feel so helpless and tired and unable to do anything I need to. That is something I never expected. And then, sweet Jesse saves the day. Poor guy probably thinks I'm crazy... like, stop crying, why are you so sad? But no matter how crazy and emotional I am, he always finds a way to help. By letting me take a nap while he plays with Luce, or letting me go to the store by myself to just have a break, or sleeping in the spare bedroom with the baby monitor so I can't hear anything and can sleep in the big king bed all alone, not worrying about Lucy cause he is listening for her. And magically, after a good straight five hours of sleep, I feel like a whole new person and am ready for a new day. Sleep is truly a magical (and very much needed) thing.
The physical changes that go along with giving birth to a baby have also proven a little difficult. There the obvious first couple weeks of just straight pain down there...haha...but besides that, I gained about 27 pounds, weighing 147 lbs when I gave birth. One week after having Lucy, I decided to weigh myself and see how much I had lost, just for fun. I weighed 126 lbs and I thought that was crazy! Two days later I weighed 123 lbs...and I was feeling good about that! I was all, "Cool, now all I need to do is lose three pounds, nice!". But little did I know, that flabby tummy of mine wasn't going away on its own like the weight did. And, slowly but surely, the weight will come back as you eat eight billion calories a day when you start making milk... haha! Once I could start exercising again, it shocked me how much ab strength I lost. I still can barely do push ups or planks because I'm so weak. Now, months later, I'm so tired and have a hard time motivating myself to eat right and do the exercise I know it'll take to get healthy and strong again. Plus, my sweet babe only eats on one side now because the left side quit making milk....so things are a little lopsided... ha, it's real great. But, it's something to work on, getting healthy and strong again, before pregnancy round two! (what?! why is that even in my mind?)
One of the hardest things has been adjusting mine and Jesse's relationship. When Jesse got back from IFT, after being gone for 5 weeks, it was a little hard to get back into the swing of things. And having Lucy, a whole new thing to adjust to, things just took a little more effort. It's hard not to focus all of my attention on Lucy. I know that taking care of a baby takes almost all of ones attention, but I'm trying to figure out how to share my time with Jess. Jesse and I have had 4.5 years just us two, doing whatever we want, whenever we want, focusing all our time and energy on each other. And now, suddenly, we have to plan better and put more effort into each other. We don't get to go to movies whenever we want, or take naps together, or workout together, or have nights all to ourselves whenever we want any more. So, it's just taking some getting used to.
Now...for the upside of all this....
Jesse and I are completely in love with our daughter. Lucy has brought so much joy to our lives. And truly, honestly, no amount of sleep or pre-pregnancy body will compare to that.
I love the time I get at night with Lu. Even though I'm exhausted, every time I go into her room when she wakes up, and she sees me, she gets the biggest smile on her face and kicks with excitement until I pick her up. It is my absolute favorite. And the way she holds onto my shirt or touches my face while she is nursing, it's so sweet.
If I have to give any of my "Jesse time" to anyone, our baby girl is obviously who I would choose. They have the sweetest relationship. She lights up when he's around. They laugh and talk together all the time. Jesse has all these songs and sayings he always says to her, like, "you know what time it is....you are my squishy and you must be squished!", "the stinkiest girl in the world...you're the stinkiest girl in the world!", while stroking her hair "touchable volume", putting his cheek to her mouth and asking for a kiss then saying "thanks" in this voice... they are all my favorite. We seriously just stare at her, then look at each other, and are like, "Look at her! She's so perfect."
She has been such a good baby. But being a parent, to even a good baby like Luce, is scary. The second she starts acting different -- like more fussy, constipated, spitting up more, whining when we lay her down-- I sometimes don't know what to do. It's hard to always know what she wants. But Jesse and I are trying our best to be good parents. She is fed, clothed, has a roof over her head, and is loved being measure. I guess that's good enough, right? ;)
It's a special thing realizing that you created a little human with the man you love. And although changes have been hard on us, I know we will always be there for each other. Jesse is a wonderful man, the man I want to experience all the ups and downs of life with. He takes such great care of me and Lucy. He is oh so handsome, makes me laugh all the time, works hard and is dedicated to anything he puts his mind to, and is a wonderful priesthood holder. We are figuring out how to be our old selves while taking care of our baby too. I love him so much. He makes me happy, and that's all I could ask for.
Comments